he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
