gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
