my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
