I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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