Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
