My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize