ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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