"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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