On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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