T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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