found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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