Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
