Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
