Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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