If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
