we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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