I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
