Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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