I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
