I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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