I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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