Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
