oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
