i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
