i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
