K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
