I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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