Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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