The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
