At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
