A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
