Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
