Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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