his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
