it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
