The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
