he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
