my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
