He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
