she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Rumble strips road head = magical
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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