I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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