My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
