Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
