did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
