I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
