So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
