Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
