We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
