it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She told me I should be a condom model.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
