Just took my morning after pill in the library
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Panties = found
Randomize
