She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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