yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
