I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
