First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
