Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
