when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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