Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
