ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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