What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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