I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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