God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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