someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
