Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Are we still banned from the library?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize