Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
