I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
