I want to have your abortion
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
