we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
