You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
